I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
