um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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