i was born a porn star she said
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
