He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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