Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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