Well douche your snatch and let's go!
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize