i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
