did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
