Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
