Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
