Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
