have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
two words: eviction party
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
