My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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