there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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