Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Farmville is her only friend.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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