im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
