youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
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We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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