Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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