she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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