I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
