his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
