He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
