Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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