porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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