I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
