When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
