my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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