My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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