if i died would you start the facebook group?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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