He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
