i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
