Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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