What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
