I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
