I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
