Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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