When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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