I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
