You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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