I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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