Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
