I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
