Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
