Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
