why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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