I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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