New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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