Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
