you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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