He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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