when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
