Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
