Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
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...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.