the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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