umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
