Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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